Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Philosophical Ramblings #5: What is Love?

Love. Pyaar. L'amour. Die Liebe. Different words, same meaning. Love. 

Love has been romanticized by books and movies so much that most of us don't even know what it means anymore, myself included. Besides, I romanticize love myself, through my writing. But what is love, really?

I've been wondering this for a while now. Well, I'm twenty years old, and I'm not sure if I've ever been in love or not. I'd thought I had a few times, but as time went by, I'd realise that whatever I felt was either infatuation or puppy love or simply obsession - none of which classifies as real, pure love. 

So let's take a look at what media tells us love is. Here's a speech by one of my favourite fictional characters, Ted Mosby, on love:

This is one of those speeches that convinces you that love means never giving up or never losing hope or even never moving on, no matter what. 

Well, I disagree. That's bordering on obsession, isn't it? But this seems to be a common theme when it comes to sitcoms and rom coms. Never giving up. Take a look at another speech, this time, by Chuck from Gossip Girl:

"You don't give up... even if the object of affection is begging you to." That, my friends, is obsession, not love. When it's love, you don't give up... unless your love is hurting the other person. Love is about knowing when to step down. Knowing when to move on. Knowing that maybe that other person should be able to choose who they want to be with. 

But I do agree that forgiveness and second chances are what make up a good relationship. A good friendship. A good parentship (is that a word?). Because mistakes are part of daily life. Big ones or small ones, it doesn't matter. Forgiveness is essential. But you have to know where to draw the line, and that's something a lot of fictional characters don't get, like in movies or TV shows where characters fall in love with their rapists or kidnappers

Then there's this speech. Again, along the same lines of never giving up... but it's spoken of in a healthier, purer way. And I'll admit this is one of my favourite movies, so there's a little bit of a bias here, but I do believe in soulmates. I believe in lobsters. I believe in the One. 

I guess I believe, because I don't want to not believe in it. Because screw logic. Screw the truth. Deep down, a part of me knows there are many Ones. Many people I could be happy with for the rest of my life. 

But I also know that probability-wise, I'm only ever going to meet one of them. And that, my friends, will be the One. That will be love. 

In short, I don't know what love is. Because I'm a clueless twenty-something just like many of you Geeks. But I'd like to believe it's a give-and-take. A symbiotic thing. Something built on respect and trust and kindness. That, I think, is love. Whether it's romantic love or family love or even love for your pet - that is what I think love is.

What are your views on this topic, Geeks? What do you think love is? Let me know in the comments below. 

PS: I've recently started my own editing business, called Geek Editing. Go like the Facebook page now, and (if you live in Mumbai) apply for the internship here!


Sunday, 25 September 2016

Why I've Been M.I.A. // Just a Random Update #11

I just realised that I haven't blogged in a very long time. Three months, to be exact. I think that's the longest hiatus I've ever taken. But it's a hiatus I had to take, because a lot has happened in these three months, both good and bad.

Let's talk the good first, because, well, it's good stuff. My freelance editing business is doing spectacularly well, and although the income isn't regular each month - for obvious reasons, it's freelancing - it's enough for me to be able to afford my rent, and then some. No more relying on my folks, people. Although my Dad does still pay most of my bills... but hey, I'm only twenty.

I've also FINALLY decided what to do with my life after I graduate from college. And maybe doing BBA wasn't the wrong decision after all, because I'm going to turn my freelancing career into a full-fledged business. Say hello to Geek Editing, Geeks! It's going to be an epic business that caters to all your editing and beta reading needs - and someday, even your publishing needs. My plan is to buy a domain name and set up a website, get more clients, make more money, hire some interns, and expand my business. I've already got my roommate into the beta reading biz as well, and hopefully she'll agree to join Geek Editing in due time.

In other news, I've made new friends in college. I now have people to eat lunch with and people to talk to when the professor isn't looking in my direction. And if you Geeks know me at all, you'd know that this is a very, very big deal for me.

My new apartment is great. I have a room all to myself, with a bed, a couch, a study area AND a bathroom. There are glow-in-the-dark stars, yellow curtains, tons of posters, my vision board and a bookshelf that will is already book-ended with books. What more could I want from a house, after all?

I'm also working on my fourth novel, Love Thy Neighbour, which revolves around love, friendship, YouTube and mental illness. It's still a work-in-progress, and I'm going to take at least another three or four months to finish it, but... stay tuned?

So those are all the positive reasons why I've been too busy to blog. Work is incredible. Super exhausting, but incredible. I'm so proud to call myself a workaholic. My idea of a good weekend? Working on multiple projects at once in the comfort of my beautiful home while texting my closest friends - and owning that shit, yo.

Now moving on to the one not-so-surprising negative change in my life.

I've spoken to you previously about my bipolar depression - a concept relatively unheard of, because most people either have depression or bipolar disorder, not some crazy combination of the two. But I did have rapid cycling depression, and my psychologist and psychiatrist were just as stumped as I was. But it was getting worse and worse no matter what cocktail of meds I was on. I went from being on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics to more anti-depressants to mood stabilisers and anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. And that was one too many, Geeks.

The prolonged use of anti-depressants finally brought on a manic episode that would have been impossible to control had my doctors not put me on mood stabilisers 'just in case'.

So to cut a long story short, I have officially been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Whether it's BP I or II is still a matter of discussion, because my latter episodes have all been hypomanic, but I don't know if that's because I stopped my Cipralex immediately following the mania or because I really do just have BP II disorder, and the mania was a one-off incident.

The mood stabiliser dosage I was on wasn't enough, though, because my rapid cycling depression turned into rapid cycling hypomania, with a new episode every week, and they were only getting worse. So my dosage was upped further, and now I'm happy to say that I'm finally, finally stable. I haven't had any episodes in over two months save for a one-off incident that happened because of some personal reasons, and my therapist even said that I could be off meds in about three years if I keep this up.

I'm still doing everything I can to fight bipolar disorder on my own: working out, colouring, keeping myself busy, working on my self-esteem and confidence... everything. But I would be lying if I said that I'm completely okay. I'm not. I still curse myself for having this mental illness in the first place. Even though I'm on the relatively mild end of the bipolar spectrum, I still wish, with all my heart, that I wasn't on said spectrum in the first place. But what's done is done, and there's nothing I can do about it except keep hoping that I'll overcome this sooner or later.

I'm also finding it pretty difficult to focus in college and complete my assignments on time. I don't know if it's because I've just given up on being a nerd-slash-perfectionist or because of some weird meds side effect (it's probably the former), but I don't even care. Bare minimum is all I'm aiming for. My mental health matters more than my marks. I've finally understood that.

Wow, this has been a pretty long blog post. Guess this makes up for all the long months that I was missing in action.

I think I'll be posting some more about bipolar disorder and mental health, because at least where I come from, people have absolutely NO IDEA what it's all about. I've seen people using the terms 'depressed', 'OCD' and 'bipolar' so loosely that it makes me want to rip their heads off. And no, I'm not exaggerating. I'm very passionate about psychology and mental illness, and you bet I'm going to spread more awareness about this topic.

I'm very open about my bipolar disorder in college. Most people in my class know, although they don't quite know what it's all about. I'm hoping that'll change soon. One of my professors found out recently, and I was surprised to know that she was actually quite knowledgeable on the subject. She was the first - okay, second - person I've met in my entire life, not counting my doctors, who actually knew what mania and depression truly mean without my having to explain it to them.

Anyway, I've been rambling for far too long. If you've stuck with me until the end, you get a slice of pizza.
I hope to see you soon, Geeks, whenever my schedule permits it. Maybe once a week? Maybe once a month? I don't know, but I can guarantee that I'll be back. Au revoir!

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

My Almost-Orthorexia Story

This may be a pretty controversial topic... and let me admit straight-up that I know almost nothing about orthorexia. I may be completely wrong here when I say all these things. But that's okay, because at least I'm saying something about it.

Oh, and before you judgemental non-Geeks start spouting bullshit about how of course I'm "anorexic" because I'm skinny and underweight, look again. I'm talking about orthorexia, not anorexia.

Orthorexia nervosa is defined as an unhealthy obsession with 'healthy' foods and an almost exaggerated fear of eating or being around junk food, often causing physical symptoms. Now I'm all for eating a healthy diet and giving your body the nutrition it deserves, but I must say that orthorexia has pretty much butchered my lifestyle, and I'm still dealing with the consequences. 

I started on my 'eat clean' journey sometime last year, perhaps in July 2015. I was obsessed with the idea of gaining weight on a high-protein, high-calorie diet, and while that may or may not have been the right approach - I'm no fitness expert, I have no idea - the way I was going about it was extremely wrong. I started restricting myself to certain food items only, not because I wanted to be healthier, but because I genuinely believed that those foods would cause me physical and mental harm. I tried to give up eating cheese, butter and milk, and the more I avoided those foods, the more my body would start to reject them. I'd get gassy or get nauseated or even throw up. I'd feel queasy every time I had a French fry. I would shame myself and pat my bloated stomach in regret after having a burger or a slice of pizza. I would sometimes even cry as I ate a chocolate waffle and then immediately throw the remaining half of it in the dustbin because I was so, so upset about how much I was 'damaging' my body.

You guys might know of the concept of 'cheat meals' or 'YOLO meals'. Well, I tried hard to give myself that break. But even eating a YOLO meal on Sunday would make me feel like a fitness failure, and that would only lead to me binge-eating junk food and shaming myself even further, then going weeks and weeks without eating anything remotely unhealthy. I didn't care about the taste or the culinary delight anymore. All I cared about was eating food that would give me a flat tummy and chiselled muscles. 

Obviously, with that attitude, that didn't happen. I don't have a flat stomach. I've been working out for years and I don't have perfect muscles. Heck, except for a tiny bicep on my right arm and some stellar calves, I don't have anything to show for myself.

Well, unless you count how much stronger and more flexible and happier I've become because of working out. And hey, doesn't that matter more than what exercise and my diet has done or not done for my appearance?

So I've started to let myself eat what I want to, whenever I want to, as long as I'm eating healthy and nutritious food at the same time. Cheese and butter are okay. So are vegetables and fruits and bread and pizza and rice noodles and regular noodles and chocolate and peanut butter and jam and eggs and even French fries dipped in hot sauce.

Everything is okay in moderation. Everything. And that applies to not just food, but other things, too. It's going to take me some time before I completely accept my body for what it is without having to give up food that makes my soul happy. But that's okay. Because I'm going to be patient.

What kinds of food have you always feared, Geeks? And are your fears rational or just a figment of your imagination, fuelled by those fitness and diet articles and videos that are rampant everywhere on social media? What do you wish you could change about your mental perception? Let me know in the comments below. 

I'll see you soon, Geeks. Bye!

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

Road to Recovery + What I Did This Summer // Just a Random Update #10

Wow, I haven't blogged in close to a month. Then again, I've been busy recovering from my mental illness and doing some great things in my spare time this summer.

I'm sure you all remember my post last year when I'd said I'd do all these fantastic things over the summer... and then came the follow-up post where I revealed that I'd got absolutely nothing done. Tsk, tsk.

But that all changes this summer, Geeks. Because 2016 is the year of Swati.

1) Exercise? More Like Geeksercise!
So I've started doing one, one and a half hours of exercise a day. Therapist's orders, no excuses. And it's been fun. I do a combination of yoga, POP Pilates and dance cardio every day. Yes, I've actually lost weight instead of gaining it like I usually do when I work out, but maybe that's all for the best. I've gone down from 45 kgs to a mere 41, but hey, I'm much stronger and more flexible than I was in April. That's what matters, right?

2) Moneh, Moneh, Moneh
As you may know, I started my own editing and beta reading business in February, and what can I say? Business is booming. It's barely been four or five months and I've made - well - a lot of money (not sure if I should disclose that amount online). I might have to start paying taxes this year, Geeks. Yu-huh. That's a LOT of moneh.
Plus, it's not just for the big bucks. I love doing what I do. Editing and making those little corrections in red is crazy fun. And beta reading is awesome, too. Getting paid to read and critique books? I used to do that for free on a daily basis!
So yeah. My career is on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend.

3) Say Goodbye to Depression (Okay, Maybe Just TTYL)
So while my rapid cycling bipolar depression has reduced in both intensity and time period, it's... still there, every month, like clockwork. This may be something I have to live with. I'll almost certainly have to take medication for a long time. But hey, that's okay. I've learned to manage it quite well. And I have a lot of support from friends and family, and that's something not a lot of patients have. So yeah, I'm grateful for everything that's happened to me... including my diagnosis.

4) Always Writing 'Always You'
Don't you love days when you're just super productive and super energized and happy about anything and everything? Well, that's how I was for almost half this summer when I was on a crazy writing spree. I finished writing my third YA romance, Always You (which you can read right here!) in just a matter of a few weeks. Crazy, am I right? I'm so, so proud of this one, especially since it's based on one of my favourite books: Jane Austen's Mansfield Park, and I hope you'll love it too.

5) F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Okay, this is mostly just about me binge-watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. all through breakfast, lunch and dinner, but is also about how I have found three out of five of my own perfect Central Perk pals. My friends and I are closer than ever (if you're reading this: 'sup, Angel, K-Dog and Kandy?), and although I've barely been in touch with my roommate or my college friends over the summer, my best friend from school and I talk every day. So things are going well in the friendship department - and you know that's a department I've struggled with my entire life.

Well, Geeks. My road to recovery began in December. It's been a long and difficult road... thank God I finally got here! This summer has been incredible. Not counting the summer we went to London (London, baby!), this has been the best summer of my life.

I leave for Mumbai - and college - in about a week. I'm anxious, nervous and very, very reluctant to leave home. But I don't have a choice, so I might as well be positive about this, right? So. Here we go. Rest of 2016, the year of Swati.

How was your summer, Geeks? Or if you're not from India, and your summer's only just starting, then what plans do you have for the sunny months? Let me know in the comments below.

I hope to see you again very soon! Bye! :)

Saturday, 28 May 2016

'My Last Love Story' by Falguni Kothari: A Book Review

I, Simeen Desai, am tired of making lemonade with the lemons life has handed me.
Love is meant to heal wounds.
Love was meant to make my world sparkle and spin.
Love has ripped my life apart and shattered my soul.
I love my husband, and he loves me.
But Nirvaan is dying.
I love my husband. I want to make him happy.
But he is asking for the impossible.
I don’t want a baby.
I don’t want to make nice with Zayaan.
I don’t want another chance at another love story.